Caught Square in the Cup

If a puck were to drop in an empty arena, would it make a sound?

It’s been a while since one dropped in anger in the NHL, so for the first time in almost 100 years, the biggest question at season’s start isn’t, “Who will be next to raise the Stanley Cup?”

It will be, “Will there be anybody there to see it?”

After living with a skate in its mouth for the last year, the little league that couldn’t is back.

Got shivers?

Well, you should, because haven’t you heard? It’s your NHL.

The new marketing approach the league has come up with to beg (sucker?) fans back after shutting itself down for a season is:

"My" NHL

Hey, not mine. Don’t peg that league on me. It’s yours, you the fan. Well, not you the fan. Rather the you they’re hoping you become after you’ve seen their all-new glittering product.

This new marketing campaign aims to "celebrate the return of hockey, and honor the values, tradition and emotion of the game we all love." So says NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman.

The guy who pulled the plug on a professional sports season for the first time in history wants the fans to “honor the values and tradition.”

Since he brought them up, what are those values and traditions exactly?

The league's new TV ad apparently spells it out for us. A ripped, shirtless actor (not a real player – clearly that would make too much sense) is sitting in a Buddhist monastery. Then a nearly topless girl asks him if he's “ready.”

What does he do? He leaves.

Well, at least one tradition hasn’t changed. He dumps the hot naked chick to go play hockey? What a cementhead!

It’s not just guys who are riled up over the ad. Martha Burk, the head of the National Council of Women's Organizations and the leader of the boycott to force the Augusta National Golf Club to allow female members, told the Canadian Press that, "The woman is dressed provocatively and when she asks the player if he's ready, it's a double-entendre in my view. She's in the ad as a groomer, a sex object."

Umm, clearly not in “My NHL,” she’s not.

Besides the hot TV spot, the league is trying to sex the game up on the ice as well.

They’ve added a shoot-out. If a game is still tied after a five-minute overtime, three players from each team will get to go mano a mano against the feller in the Michelin man suit in net.

They have tried to cut down on the goalie equipment. The pads, blocker, catcher, pants and jersey have all been reduced in size, but the goalies still essentially fill the nets.

A bunch of other lesser rule changes are theoretically going to add the scoring – and let’s hope so. These players in “My NHL” clearly need to learn how.

The big questions is, since it is not our NHL, what’s in it for us?

Well, for one thing, where there’s scoring, there is profit. Sportsbooks like betED are going to have a huge headache on their hands figuring out what’s going to happen. How much are goals going to increase? The only sure thing is, nobody knows.

If that’s not enough for you, go down to a game opening night and you can score some swag. Fans at home openers will receive a mini Stanley Cup replica courtesy of the NHL.

"It's our way of saying thanks to fans for sticking with us," said deputy commissioner Bill Daly.

I wonder how many fans are not going show to up, to stick it to the NHL.

Cheers – Gavin McDougald – AKA Couch

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